I surprise myself sometimes.
There is a chance I have post traumatic stress disorder. I don’t have an official diagnosis, but I do have flashbacks and some other signs of post traumatic stress.
I was a high school sophomore at 16-17. That school year, one of my teachers touched me inappropriately twice. The first incident happened at the end of October. I was standing in the yard during a construction class and the teacher reached over and swatted me on the rear as he walked past me. It wasn’t an accident, as I immediately looked back at him. He just grinned, no apology. Then the second incident happened at the start of June, during an assembly. That time, the teacher got down and put his head in my lap, face down. I was looking away from him, but when I felt something brush up against me, I looked down to find the teacher in a very awkward position. He realized I was looking and backed away, looking sheepish.
I semi reported the first incident in January, right before second semester began. I told the vice principal that the teacher was touching me and I didn’t like it, and the vice principal told me he would talk to the teacher. I never reported the second incident, as I figured it would not be taken seriously.
Finally I graduated high school in 2006.
Healing from what happened didn’t start until May 2010 when I was 23. At that time, I told a pastor at my church what had happened to me. He told the senior pastor, who after meeting with me and getting more information, got my permission to call the school to ask them what happened. The school ultimately refused to tell him anything, even claiming they no longer had access to my records. My pastor was calling the school, then calling me with updates. That last update was on July 6, 2010 as I rode a public transit bus. It took all I had to not start crying as I was on the bus. During the bike ride to home from the bus stop that afternoon, I darted out onto a heavy-traffic road, paying little to no attention to traffic.
Fortunately I was not hit.
Since then I’ve been learning to cope with the flashbacks that began in January 2008. Sometimes the flashbacks can be incredibly intense and difficult, other times they’re not too bad at all. I often carry a beanie baby husky dog in my backpack which serves as a distraction as well as giving me something to scratch so I don’t dig my fingernails into my hands during flashbacks. Other times I do what may be considered an unusual form of therapy by taking my blood pressure, then looking at a picture of the teacher while taking my blood pressure again. Then I look at a picture of something I like, usually a picture of John Belushi, while doing the blood pressure test a third time. Results from those tests have been interesting to say the least.
Then a few days ago, I was talking with a Christian friend. We were discussing the doctrine of the Great White Throne judgment. I mentioned that I don’t know how exactly that’s going to happen, and the friend said he thought it would happen all at once, and that believers would be aware of what is happening, yet not be able to watch it. I said I wanted to be able to sit in God’s lap and eat popcorn while that teacher is being judged, but then realized I would feel bad for the teacher so it’s probably a good thing I might not be able to watch what’s happening.
And that is why I surprise myself sometimes.
